brittany-snodes
Bumblebee (2018)
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Now that life with you is something I experience everyday. I can’t imagine my life without you. I forgot what it was like before you. I don’t want to know what it’s like after you.
I love you.
The trees were there when I fell asleep. They’ve been there when I was sleep walking and I woke up alone. The trees have been there when I was crying and screaming in emotional agony. Seen me sick on my hard days and brought peace and happiness when I’ve needed it most. The trees have seen people’s secrets. They keep them to themselves. The trees bring life. Shelter life. I’m not sure what it is about them but the trees stand tall in the storms, shade people on hot days and they don’t complain. I want to be a tree. In all it’s understanding of the world around it. In all it’s glory.
The trees
I had fallen in love and I had no language.
Jeanette Winterson, from “Art Objects” featured in Art Objects: Essays on Ecstasy and Effrontery
(via watchoutforintellect)
(via watchoutforintellect)
I’ve come to know that having the soul of a wanderer has both its positives and negatives. For example, I’ve traveled and seen more places than most people in my life. Ive seen mountain sides, oceans and lakes I never knew existed. I’ve lived in beautiful cities and in places I don’t want to see again. I’ve met so many different people of all types, color and religion. I’ve befriended locals and seen places that people who live in the area their entire lives don’t even know exist. I’ve learned a lot about different types of culture. I’ve experienced beautiful music, soul moving art and I’ve experienced many different types of love. These are experiences I will continue to seek out.
At the same time I struggle with the feeling of being trapped, alone and lost if I stay in one place too long. Home isn’t a place but a feeling. That feeling can go just as quickly as it appeared.
My accomplishments aren’t measured the way everyone else measures theirs. It’s not about belongings, degrees or the number in my bank account. It’s about the lives I’ve touched, impacted and helped. It’s about the relationships I’ve created, the ones I still hold and the ones I’ve outgrown and learned from. It’s about the adventure and the stories. It’s about the love for a life that I only get to live once. I believe I’ve accomplished more in the last 2 years than most will accomplish in 50 years. There’s places and things I still want and need to experience. I have to remember to think positive. But I’ve found home. I’ve found family beyond the ones that share my blood. One day I may live out of my backpack on a beach or I could go to school and build my dream home. But I know one thing to be true. Happiness is created and not rewarded. I’ll always be a wanderer but I know that’s who I was meant to be.
Not all who wander are lost
More paintings. Most done by my friend.
Living a double or secret life is exhausting but so is being a part of someone’s double/secret life.
I’ve dated a lot of people in my life. Some came and went in the blink of an eye. It was fun while it lasted but not all people are meant to remain in your life. Ive grown and taken lessons from each one.
-I’ve dated the foster care advocate that had demons I couldn’t help her fight. We cheated on each other and it turned into an abusive path.
-I’ve been engaged to the girl who belonged to a family so broken she was addicted to anxiety medication and cut herself. She cheated on me before she flew across the country to spend Christmas with my family and got addicted to meth. We’re friends now and she’s getting her life together.
-Another girl who raced cars and was all about her family, she ended up pregnant and engaged.
-I dated a boy who thought it was okay to sleep with my best friends because I wouldn’t put out. Who’s family to this day tells me he fucked up.
-I dated another guy who was shy and so sweet despite all the things his family his family put him through. He grew out of his awkwardness and became one of the football stars and now he works a job he loves.
-I dated a boy who shared the same love for soccer as I do but I couldn’t seem to shake the fact he was in love with his best friend. They dated for two years after we broke up. Now he’s head over heels for an amazing girl.
-I loved a girl who lived two hours away. We were off and on for a couple of years but only ever saw each other twice. I kissed her goodnight at a bonfire and asked her to come home with me, telling her I’d take her home in the morning. A year later I told her I was still thinking about her and I missed her. She told me she regretted not going home with me that night. She’s engaged now but I think she’s having second thoughts.
-I dated a boy who took advantage of me at his little brother’s birthday party and I cried to my best friend about it because I was afraid to break up with him because I didn’t want him telling his friends we hooked up.
-And a girl who was in the army and loved me even though she knew I was in love with someone else. She’s happily married now to another soldier.
-I dated my old best friend’s brother and broke up with him on his birthday. His older sister was my mentor. I was the first person his little sister smoked pot with and I punched the first boy who broke her heart. He was such a beautiful boy and I know I broke his heart.
-I dated another best friend’s brother who broke up with me for the pretty blonde. I used to stay the night at there house and we’d sneak out and play hide n seek for hours. His sister never complained but we drifted apart years later.
-The first girl I dated cheated on me the same night I asked her out. We never even held hands.
-I like the same girl my best friend did. We competed for her attention for months until she chose someone completely different. We laughed about it years later. That wasn’t the only girl who competed for.
-I loved my older sister’s best friend for years before I told her. My sister introduced us my freshman year when her friend was a senior. We didn’t talk for four years before we bumped into each other at a gas station. She took me to her house after she stopped at a party I was throwing and realized I was too wasted. She didn’t trust the boys I was with. I told her I loved her that night and she told me to say it again in the morning. I never did. When I told her a few months later on Christmas she said, “I wish you told me sooner.”
-I dated the scene girl who lived in California, who ended up dating my brother after we broke up. Her best friend was in love with her and because of that we became life long friends.
-I dated a girl who’s soul is more pure and beautiful than anything I’ve ever seen, but for awhile she lost herself in her family’s expectations. I moved to Texas to be with her and she wanted to be with someone else. She moved to Portland and I was filled with rage. I’ve forgiven her since and now I’m thankful for the things she showed me and the way she’s opened my soul and mind.
-I loved a boy who loved me back but was too afraid to say anything so he ended up dating our friend instead. Now it’s been about a year and he’s drowning in regret. He’s in love with me and I’m moving away.
-I dated a girl who was three years older than me. She could drive and I couldn’t. My mom knew even but pretended not to and even tried to make the girl feel welcome at our house because she knew her home life wasn’t the best. I got drunk with her and her friend and ended up having to drive back to her house without a license because I didn’t want her to get in trouble. I carried her to bed and held her while she cried about her parents.
-I once loved my best friend even though she was in love with her girlfriend and it ruined everything. We don’t speak anymore. But she helped me grow into who I am today by always believing in me when I was lost.
-I liked a girl once who I thought was absolutely amazing until I realized that I had no idea who she really was. And hated who I finally discovered.
-I liked a girl who looked up to me in high school. She was younger than me but smart enough to be in my English class. We did everything together. From soccer to FFA. She fell in love with a girl who broke her heart and she confided in me. So I never told her how I really felt. Her family told her they’d cut her off financially if she was gay. She went away to college and found a boyfriend. We’re still super close.
-I liked a guy that was in a relationship and I kissed him even though I felt guilty. He chose her over me and that’s okay because later his girlfriend forgave me and we became great friends.
-I was engaged to a girl who was damaged from her last relationship but she loved me with everything she had left. She was insecure but I did everything I could to make her feel beautiful. But we were two different people looking for two different futures. I hope she finds happiness.
-I liked a girl who’s in a long term happy relationship, we did drugs together and made each other laugh but nothing ever happened. It’s cool though because I got over it and now she’ll be a lifelong friend.
-There was this one guy I hooked up with that I shouldn’t have because he was my old best friend’s first love and things ended badly because I knew I couldn’t ever get attached.
-I liked a girl once who was so broken over another girl that she tried to kill herself. No matter what I did I couldn’t seem to help her. She fell in love with a boy that stood by her while she saved herself and she’s grown into an amazing woman with a huge heart. We reconnected and I’m so thankful for that kind of positivity in my life.
-I’ve only ever truly been in love once. But life got in the way so it ended long before it ever started. She took care of me while I was stupidly addicted to things I shouldn’t have been. Put me to bed when I was drunk. Listened to me cry about people I thought I was in love with and she let me kiss her when I was drunk. That same girl who would come over and find me naked in my bed with random guys. She still continued to love me. That girl took care of me while I did shrooms and didn’t judge me when I cut myself. I wrote her handwritten letters confessing to her that I loved her. Spent time with her family and was awkward the entire time. I broke her heart by saying that the age difference was too much but in all reality I was young and dumb. Today I’m still in love with her, it’s been years since I’ve seen or spoken to her until just a few weeks ago. And it took that time apart to realize what she really means to me. She still doesn’t judge me and despite the lives we’ve lived separately. I still love her. She opened my eyes in 5 short days to everything I was doing wrong with my life and told me not to settle. I’m finally starting to find myself again after almost a year of being someone I’m not.I’ve dated a lot of people and learned a lot of lessons. But after all this time I just realized what true love is. And I’m so glad for all these experiences even if tears and heartbreak came from them.
There’s been a lot of people in and out of my life but at the end of the day I’m always going to love you.
There’s moments in everyone’s life where I feel like sometimes they feel hopeless or overwhelmed. But I’m gonna turn this towards the flip side. Sometimes I get down for a few days and then I have a day where I wake up completely fine. I have moments where I’m so overwhelmed by how truly lucky I am with things in life. Moments where I have clarity and I’m so thankful for my friends, my girlfriend and my loved ones. I appreciate the trees, stars, music and even the rain.
Life
You might not know 100% what you want. You might not know exactly what it is that you need. And that’s okay. I see what you need and I can give that to you even if it’s not exactly what I want. But I’ve known life without you and I’ve known life with you. And I never want to experience what it means to live without your goofy laugh or your perfect ass smile. I’m laying here on the kitchen floor while you’re asleep on the couch. And I’m thinking about all the things I could say to try and convince you that I’m everything you’ve been looking for. But I won’t say any of that because you need to figure that kind of thing out on your own. So here I am, tucking you in when you’re drunk. Sitting outside the bathroom when you throw up because you won’t do it in front of me. Even though I’ve puked so many times in front of you. I’m laying her, after watching you sleep for awhile. I’m thinking about how lucky I am to have you in my life. Even if it’s only temporary. I love you. I want what’s best for you. Even if that happens to be something or someone other than myself. I’ll make a fool out of myself in front of you. We’ll binge watch my favorite shows and I’ll spend more time watching you than the tv. Just because I’m in awe everyday of the person you’ve grown into. I can’t get over your beauty. Or even better yet your intellectual being. I’m in love with your mind and your soul. And that’s so much more than your looks. Even if they are perfect. I’ve tasted your kiss and held you while you laughed and I’ll be honest. I’d never trade that for anything. But I understand, you have a long life ahead of you. And that JUST started. You just began the path to the rest of your life. And I know neither of us knows what that has in store. Neither of us really knows where that leaves me.. or us. And that’s okay. That’s beyond okay with me. I want you to live. Laugh so hard you cry. Cry so hard you laugh. Smile just because the sky looks a different shade today than yesterday. All I want out of this life is for you to be happy. Even if for now, it’s just a simple fleeting moment. I’d like to be the reason you bust up laughing sometimes. I’d like to be a corny poem or a simple text message that reminds you that someone is in your corner even when life is hard and gets you down. I want to be a pep talk or a shoulder to lean on in the dark. No expectations. No requirements. Just me. Just someone to be there when life gets you down. Someone who is there for you when the sun shines so bright you have to squint your eyes for a moment. I want to share the amazing, the not so great, the rough, the bad and the ugly with you. Even if that just means being the person who says, “I’ll be there in 15.” Or if that means bringing you tots and coffee if you just wanna stay in bed. All that matters is this beautiful life we are given. You reminded me who I was when I forgot. You asked where my voice was when everyone else was singing. You asked me where I went when I didn’t even realize I wasn’t myself. You gave me a glimpse of the light inside myself when I thought it had burnt out for good. And now I just want to be the person who you can turn to no matter how big or small the problem. No matter what the problem is. Whether it’s missing her, hurting over him, your grandpa, your family, just stray thoughts that are bringing you down or things between you and I. Honesty is what you and I are built on and that will never change. You are a very important light in the darkness of my life. And I love you. Just tell me what you need and I’ll be that for you. From a friend. Or anything more. Even when I’m hurting I know this is worth it. You’re worth every second that I spend questioning things. You are the person I run to in the hardest times of my life. I want to give you the same feeling of home and safety. I’d never question your thoughts or decisions. Do you trust me?